chaos_unfurled (redemption_song) wrote in suckitupdyke,

at an impass

So I have been with my gf for almost two year but had been friends for many years before that. We got together one day and never looked back. She is wonderful, everything I always knew I wanted. But there has always been issues between us, usually because of me, I go through bouts of just being really unhappy, and we don't have sex, not nearly enough anyways and what we do have definitely not satisfying for me.
Now I know what you're already thinking, but she is the best thing that has ever happened to me, we love each other, but I think she has always loved me more then I love her. as i said we were friends for years and she one day while we were having dinner revealed her feelings for me, and we`ve been together ever since
we`re 30 y/o and talking about marriage, it's really something she wants and I am just going along with because it's what you do. You get married then have babies. But is that a good enough reason to marry someone, just because I want to have kids, and she will not have them until we are married?
So lately i have been going through one of my bouts of are we really supposed to be together, and i often have dreams of her cheating on me, last night it was with my brother. i am not worried about her cheating at all, but i know dreams like that usually mean that there is some issue, fear, worry about the relationship that is unresolved, and i know thats true because i have been pulling away from her this past week, which is easy because we are in a ldr.

Am I dragging my feet because I'm scared? Something keeps me at a distance from her, it always has, but (and this is not an overstatement) I know I will never find better. I'm getting up there, and there won't be many more opportunities for me to meet the right person, settle down and have babies, and I do want to have babies. That is non-negotiable. And although I would do it on my own, everyone would like to find the right person to raise a family with.
trust me when i say that since i was 8 and probably younger, all i have ever talked about was having babies that would one day change the world, marriage was never something i felt i wanted or needed, but it is non-negotiable for her, especially if i am carrying. i get that its a security thing for her too, to help her and our families accept our little family, which may be harder if we weren`t married.

So I am stuck, and confused and don't know what to do.
My gut tells me to just keep chugging along util I feel more ready, but my biological clock is telling me I do not have the luxury to do so. there is this clock hanging over our heads, i am the one who has to propose since i am the one who needs to be ready, she would have asked me ages ago, we have a date for the wedding. the clock that looms over us is due to my clock to have a baby, i want to be pregnant in less than 2 years. i already waited when i started dating her. i had already had my sperm and shit in place until she came along, and so now my plans have to be delayed for her, and the wedding that she wants that I could care less about. but is that a good enough reason to get married, because i could care less? it doesn`t seem like it.

Sorry this is sooo long but please help, and please no "dump her" and "move on" comments, I need something a little bit more constructive than that.
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