I am almost 40, three teens, was married for 17 years until he decided he liked a younger (...yet not nearly as cute and not nearly as stable) model better, have known I was attracted to women since I was 14 (and can remember having intense crushes on girls/women as young as 5 or 6) but had very conservative religious upbringing and when I confessed to my dad he talked me around until I thought 'attractive' was 'that's what guys like so I should be like that'.
We won't go through the discovering butches trauma. Suffice it to say, he would not be able to convince me of that now. :-P
I am in a relationship with an amazing woman I have known for 2ish...a little bit more than two I guess, years. We've been dating for just over 18 months. She moved in with us about 9 months ago. We work very, very well as a couple, my kids love her, she spoils me, and takes care of me in ways no one has ever bothered with before. This is not my first relationship with a woman (Ex and I were poly), I dated my first girlfriend for 6 years, my second for, well, 3 months, and my third for 2 years.
The issue is sex. She's not interested. We have sex, she does not identify as stone, it is just incredibly rare. Like, right now we're going on close to two months. With the Ex, even at the end when we were hardly in the same room ever, it was close to twice a week.
She was both molested by a family member (including putting herself 'in the way' so her uncle would leave her little sister alone) for years, as well as sexually assaulted while she was in the air force. I absolutely understand that this has caused her to have issues regarding intimacy. I have suggested counseling, which she has started going to, but primarily she is going so she could get on adderall, as her VA doc thought she was drug seeking(she was not, Ritalin does nothing for her) and made counseling a requirement. I know they have discussed the past sexual issues however, because I went to the first session and I stepped out of the room twice for her to go into details she doesn't want to share with me yet. She also has body image issues, I think she is incredibly attractive, she thinks she is 75-100 lbs too heavy.
So... she will tell me she wants sex, she will tease me, text me stuff she knows will drive me crazy while I'm at work, tell me we need to go to bed early, tell me she has plans for later.... then when it comes down to it, she suddenly has homework, or it's too hot, or it's late and I need to go to bed, or (most recently) the kids are home (WTF? Since when has that made a difference?) so she can't do what she was planning on. I have tried to initiate when she has shown interest through the day, it works a small percentage of the time. Mostly I don't want to push boundaries, but I don't really know where those lines are, so I've backed very quickly away from anything that wasn't solidly her idea.
Her history has made me very reluctant to bring up the 'Babe. I need more than this.' issue. However, I really can't handle the 'tease and then nothing' routine we have going on. Masturbation takes care of some of the issue in the short term, but it is in NO way a substitute for sex with another person. (And before someone brings up the idea of masturbating with her there to try and ease her into getting involved, she is completely, utterly puzzled by why/how anyone can get off that way. Is completely put-off by the idea. Has no idea how often I resort to it, and when the subject has come up has been utterly baffled that I feel the need.) I want HER. When we have it, the sex is AMAZING. Like sore for days amazing.
I am very careful not to push her, in the end I would rather be in a sexless relationship than to be without her. I'm starting to feel like I am drastically over sexed, that I am actually the one with the issue here, I shouldn't want it at my age... But I also know that I have needs, that aren't being met, and I can have needs, that's ok.
How do I talk to her about this? DO I talk to her about this? I'm clueless. I want to be sensitive to what she is actually capable of dealing with, but I don't want to end up feeling like my only option is to end the relationship. I can't imagine my life without her.