Obviously her depression influences her behavior, and increasingly she's taking out her frustrations on me. Nothing physical, and I know it's not deliberate abuse -- more like manipulation, where she'll get upset if I'm mad about something she did and, instead of trying to work out why I'm upset and apologizing (which most of the time is, honestly, all I'm looking for), she'll say she's sorry I have to live with her, maybe she should just kill herself, all that good business. I know better than to fall for it but I'll admit, it can be scary as fuck, and usually I just give in and end up apologizing to HER for being mad, even though I'm upset because of something SHE did in the first place (which rarely, if ever, gets addressed).
I guess part of my problem is that I'm expecting a person with depression and a warped view of reality to be able to intuit how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way, which isn't fair to her. But at the same time, even though I'm somewhat more self-aware, I'm STILL depressed, so I have trouble communicating what I need as well. Not to mention that my depression influences how I react to certain things, my mood, how/when/why I get upset, etc.
For now, she's going to be getting health insurance in about a month from her new job, and she says she's going to get treatment once she does. I know how scary that first step can be, but at the same time, I'm tired of the excuses and am about ready to give her an ultimatum if she doesn't seek help right away. I can't imagine ever being without her, and I don't want her to think I don't love and support her, but I'm also trying to do what's best for myself, and this is really REALLY hard to live with.
Basically, what I want to know is if anybody else has been in a similar situation and, if so, how they coped with it. How do I deal with her mental health issues whilst ALSO trying to deal with my own? It's a lot on my plate, and sometimes I feel like doing what's right for me (spending time alone, ignoring her when she's in a pissy mood, etc.) is actually hurting her and our relationship. It's like playing tug-of-war with myself and DANG it's getting exhausting.