All your questions answered - the SIUD metapost

1. Very few people are 100% gay. Very few people are 100% straight.
   1. Some woman might say she's straight, but she might still fancy you. This means:
      
      1. She might really be mostly straight but might be willing to make exceptions
      2. She might really be bi or a lesbian, but hasn't realised yet (or adopted the identity)
      3. She might be really confused and freak out on you when you proposition/get busy with/get into a relationship with her
      4. But she may well get over her freak-out given enough patience and support. Then again, she may not.
      5. She might decide that she does want to have a relationship with you/women, but choose not to define herself with the bi/les/whatever label. She doesn't have to.
      6. All the above are subject to change.
      7. These days, there a few idiot women who lead lesbians on for male-orientated "kicks". Don't be sucked into performing for the benefit of someone else, and exercise your common sense as to whether it really is you she fancies. If you have doubts, don't play the game. [thanks, baibelle]
      8. If you hit on a straight woman (or any woman, actually) and she says no, then leave it be. Don't be a skank. [emphasis from theloudcafe]
   2. Most dykes are not 100% "gold-star" lesbians, although there are plenty who are
      1. Not all dykes are "virgins".
      2. Some dykes are attracted to men.
      3. Some dykes have slept with men.
      4. Some dykes still sleep with men.
      5. Some dykes are married.
      6. Some dykes might reckon they never will, but somehow end up being attracted to/snogging/screwing/having a relationship with a guy.
      7. This does not mean they're "really bi".
      8. Although sometimes it might. But it's not up to anyone else to make that decision for them.
   3. Some women are bisexual/pansexual.
      1. Sometimes it means they fancy women as much as men.
      2. Sometimes it means they fancy men more than women.
      3. Sometimes it means they fancy women more than men.
      4. Sometimes who they fancy varies.
      5. Often it means they don't really care about gender at all.
      6. It doesn't mean they'll shag anyone.
      7. It doesn't mean they'll have a high sex drive.
      8. It doesn't mean they are into open/multiple relationships.
      9. It doesn't mean they'll automatically dump a dyke for a bloke. If she has no preference as to gender, it's just as likely she'll dump you for another woman. Think about it - what difference does it make?
      10. A bi or pan woman is no more likely to dump you than another dyke is.
   4. A woman's sexuality doesn't necessarily remain the same throughout her life. In fact, quite often, it doesn't. It also doesn't mean that she was "really always that way" - people can change.
       
2. Gender presentation has nothing to do with sexual preference/orientation.
   1. Not all dykes are butch.
   2. Not all femmes are bi (or straight).
   3. Sometimes femmes fancy other femmes, and butches fancy other butches.
   4. How you present your gender has nothing to do with what you do in bed. Femmes can like fucking; butches can like being fucked.
   5. But sometimes it does, if you choose for it to do so.
   6. Being butch does not mean you want to transition.
   7. Although for a few, it is an intermediate identity.
   8. Being femme does not mean you can't make the first move. Butches can be shy too.
   9. Butches don't have all the answers. They are also not born knowing how to be good lovers.
   10. Femmes are not doormats.
   11. Butch and femme often doesn't have anything to do BDSM, or knowing who is top or bottom if a couple are into it.
   12. Although sometimes it does.
   13. Most lesbians are neither butch nor femme, and are quite happy about that, thank you.
        
3. Gender identity sometimes has nothing to do with sexuality/presentation/genitalia, and is not just binary. [thank you for this section, chreebomb]
   1.  If you're in doubt about someone's gender identity, just ask. While a few trans/intersex people might be sensitive about certain questions, it's better to look slightly gauche than get it wrong.
   2. Having sex or having a relationship with a transperson of any persuasion doesn't mean you have to hand your dyke card back.
   3. When you get to doing the wild thing, don't just dive for the genitals. Not all transpeople have the confidence to discuss their preferences with regard to their genitalia (although they should grow that confidence, asap), and offering to give, say, an FTM the "ride of a lifetime" might not get the response you want. Although, like anything else, it might. Check first.
       
4. The definition of being a lesbian is being a woman who is exclusively attracted to other women, or that her attractions to the opposite sex are so transitory and insignificant, they have no real impact on her lifestyle. And really, that's all we have in common with regard to "lesbian sex". [wording clarified]
   1. Some lesbians don't have sex with anyone. They are celibate. They are still lesbians. Or are you shagging another woman every second of the day to keep your lesbian cred up?
   2. Some activities work for some women, and some don't.
      1. Some women do not like cunnilingus - giving or receiving or both.
      2. Some women do not like penetration - giving or receiving or both.
      3. Some women do not like sex toys.
      4. Some women change their minds about cunnilingus/penetration/sex toys once they've experimented with them a bit.
      5. Some women like anal sex. Use gloves, condoms and lube.
      6. You don't have to like all the same things as your partner does, but it helps if there is a reasonable degree of overlap.
      7. It also helps if you're willing to do to her at least some of the things she enjoys, even if you don't want them for yourself.
   3. Some women change their minds about all manner of sexual activities they previously didn't like.
   4. Sometimes that is to do with their partner at the time. However, do not assume that you will change anyone's mind about anything.
   5. Pressuring someone into an activity they said they don't enjoy is generally counterproductive. But there's nothing wrong with making the suggestion at least once.
   6. Lube is good for any kind of penetration. Don't use silicone lube with silicone toys.
   7. Safe sex is something you should learn about, no matter who you're sleeping with.
   8. If you have safe sex, you're much more unlikely to get a sexually-transmitted disease (other than oral herpes) no matter what the Christian Right try to tell Americans. Nothing is perfect, but your risk is much reduced.
   9. No-one should force any sexual activity on you without your consent.
   10. Force is not necessarily physical.
   11. Some lesbians like BDSM and other forms of kink.
   12. This does not mean they're any less feminist/"politically sound" than you are.
   13. What works for you or your last girlfriend won't necessarily work on anyone else.
   14. Asking someone what they like is always as good idea, as is telling them what you like. This can be done in a verbal or a non-verbal way.
   15. If you can't talk about sex with someone, it's possibly not a good idea to have it with that person.
   16. Sex is for enjoying. If you're not enjoying it, don't do it.
   17. If you are enjoying it, let the other person know. Be an honest lover.
   18. Whatever happens during sex is fine if you're both happy with it.
   19. Don't feel you need to delay having sex to adhere to some arbitrary standard (other than the age of consent!), if you're ready for it. Conversely, the time to start having sex (in general or with a specific person), is when you decide to. There is no rush, and no point in pushing yourself to do something you're not ready for. [Added for clarification]
        
5. You can't fix an addicted person, unless perhaps you're a professional counsellor. And in that case, you wouldn't be involved with them, would you? If someone's addiction is affecting your life, they must get help. If they won't get it, then leave. If you're addicted, get help.
    
6. Don't ever assume you can change anything about anyone. No matter what they promise.
    
7. Different kinds of relationships structures work for different people. It's easier to start off by knowing that your partner wants a similar kind of structure. Renegotiating agreements is always difficult.
   
   1. You need to be able to talk about what you need in the context of a relationship. Silence is never an appropriate strategy.
   2. Not everyone wants to get "married". If this is a big aim in your life, then it's best to ensure your partner feels the same way.
   3. Not everyone wants children. If children are essential to your life, ensure you don't get involved with someone who feels the opposite
   4. Some lesbians are not monogamous
      1. It helps if you agree that your relationship is open before it starts
      2. An open relationship does not necessarily mean that you act like sluts and have no agreements
      3. Open relationships can be just as committed as the regular kind
      4. An open relationship can be a good way of managing different sexual desire levels in a relationship. If one partner has a very much higher libido than the other, or wants to explore kink, having another relationship or play partner may provide a good outlet without needing to relinquish the original relationship.
      5. Multiple relationships require even more negotiation than the more conventional kind.
   5. Long-distance relationships can be very difficult to maintain, depending on circumstances.
      1. Always keep the communication lines open.
      2. Endeavour to spend regular time together in person.
      3. Talk about issues as they arise. It's hard when you see each other infrequently, but it's better to deal with them sooner than later. Even if it's the first time you've seen each other in 6 months and you want "quality time" without hassles.
   6. It's healthy to have different interests and friendships to your partner. Being alone constantly and only doing what the other wants to do is decidedly unhealthy.
   7. If a partner goes out of her way to isolate you from your friends and interests, that is a major warning sign.
   8. Physical and emotional abuse should not be tolerated. Under any circumstances. Even if you think you're "provoking" the situation, it's best to get out and stop the vicious cycle. In fact, no provocation is worth physical abuse.
   9. You and your partner do need to have an overlap of things in common. Having a relationship with someone whose politics and/or life aspirations are wildly different to your own is extremely difficult. Although not impossible, given other common ground.
   10. Sex is not enough to be the only common ground for a sustainable relationship.
   11. Having one crappy relationship is not grounds for writing off a whole gender/sexuality/relationship structure. If one bisexual screws you over, or your open relationship goes up in flames, it doesn't necessarily mean the next will be the same. [thanks to baibelle]
   12. Being single and "playing the field" is just fine, if everyone else knows that's what the agenda is. Just because the relationship isn't ongoing, it doesn't mean you're exempt from honest communication and reasonable levels of disclosure.
   13. If your feelings for someone change - you are becoming indifferent to someone, or, conversely, your feelings are becoming more intense than initially planned, you need to admit that to the other person asap (if appropriate). She has the right to decide how to react to that information.
        
8. You are not the only lesbian in the universe. Or your country. Or, probably, even your town, even if there are only 50 people living in it. [this section thanks to misslynx]
   1. You won't like every lesbian you ever meet. Dykes can be wankers as well.
   2. Not everything in the media (books, TV, movies) with lesbians in it is good (unless you're really really desperate).  [buddleia strikes again]
   3. Queer people do not have infalliable gaydar. Sometimes you need to tell them that you're a lesbo. While femme women suffer from this one most often, even your biggest baddest diesel dyke has to make things clear occasionally.
   4. Propositioning a woman is the easiest way of letting her know you're a dyke. ;-)
   5. "Hinting around" should only be used as a last resort when you're unsure whether someone knows if you're queer. Such as  when you're surrounded by witchhunting queerbashers with flaming torches. If you must, mention gay-themed movies, books and music to see what response you get. But it's generally better to be adult about it - unless you really are ashamed of what you are.
   6. If you don't feel safe announcing your lesbianism to anyone, get yourself into a situation where you are. Hopefully that doesn't mean moving from Outer Inbredville, Utah to San Francisco, Calif. But it might.
   7. It's a cliché, but join some groups to meet new people. Joining queer groups makes it more likely that you'll meet other dykes, but we are everywhere, after all. Almost any group allows you the potential of meeting fellow-travellers (queer or not).
   8. Online communities (duh!) are a great way of getting in touch with people who are also dykes/whatever you're into. You can even get to meet them in RL as well (if they seem at least somewhat sane).
       
9. Friends are crucial. A friendship circle is a way of keeping socially well-integrated and feeling included in your own community of choice.
   1. If you don't have friends, get out and make them. Now.
   2. You have to make yourself somewhat appealing as well. Take an interest. Learn social skills. Have regular showers.
   3. If a friend doesn't like X about you, that doesn't mean they don't accept you as a person.
   4. However, if they keep harping on about X, either fix it if it's something that should be fixed, or consider whether it's you they want a friendship with.
   5. Listen to what your friends tell you, but use your own internal consistency-checker.
   6. If your friends or other people find your behaviour unreasonable, consider that they might be right. Perhaps your internal consistency-checker isn't working properly. [thanks, buddleia]
   7. You don't have to have all the same interests as all your friends. Different friends are good for different activities/interests.
   8. Ask your friends for input about issues that are going on in your life. However, don't gratuitously bag out another involved party. Choose someone who is neutral towards both of you (or can at least think that way).
   9. Friendships are a great way of meeting other people. Any (female) friend of my friend is a potential lover of mine (or they're at least another potential friend, which is just as good).
   10. Having friendships is to do with trust: be worthy of trust yourself; surround yourself with people that you can trust. Otherwise, why are you friends?
        
10. Meeting online is an important way of getting to know people these days, and a great way of finding people with common interests.
    1. Do not take everything that someone says online as gospel.
    2. Check to see that what they say about themselves, what they reveal as time goes on and what you learn about them are all congruent. If the versions are wildly out of sync (beyond the bounds of caution), then avoid them.
    3. Don't reveal personal details about yourself too quickly.
    4. Arrange to meet in a public space.
    5. Do NOT arrange to meet for the first time in their town, staying with them, and with no personal transportation. Even if they're not a serial killer, it may be dire and you might need an escape route.
    6. No matter how fantastic your bonding online, do not declare eternal romantic love with someone before meeting them in person. In fact, it's probably better to wait until you've had sex with them as well. At the very least, if you're intending an exclusive relationship with sex as an ongoing part of it. [clarified language]
        
11. If you think someone's cute, ask them out.
     
12. If they say no, then leave it be. There really are plenty more fish in the sea.
     
13. Don't bullshit, and especially don't bullshit to yourself.
     
14. There is no emotional or relationship crap in life that has to last forever. If you feel that there is, get professional help. [wording clarified]
     
15. When in doubt about anything, ask. Check in. Communicate. Tell people what you feel. But don't harp on about the same thing over and over. Listen to what people are saying.
     
16. If someone doesn't appear ever to listen to you, don't waste your time on them. Of course, you need to extend the same courtesy in return.
     
17. Have a sense of humour. Especially about yourself.
     
18. Get over it!

Anything else?

ETA: I should acknowledge my contributors: saluqi for inspiration and beta-ing, buddleia and epi_lj for beta-ing and contributions, and misslynx for making some good suggestions downthread.

ETA2: baibelle, theloudcafe and chreebomb made some valuable suggestions, and I've added a couple of extra points about relationship management and tidied up some language.