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Three random questions [27 Nov 2016|12:55pm]

camillemaxwest
Three random questions (not directly related to one another):

1. How would you feel about being single for the rest of your life? Do you think you could be happy?

2. Are you less likely to hang out with a single friend once you're in a very serious relationship, even if the single friend isn't necessarily focused on living a "bachelorette" type of lifestyle that isn't relatable anymore (i.e., mostly wants to socialize with friends for the purpose of going out and meeting potential romantic or sexual partners)? I ask because I've had some straight friends in relationships cite a more bachelorette type of lifestyle as a reason for growing apart from single friends.

3. The majority of the LGBT community in the U.S. seems to lean Democratic/very liberal. Would you date a woman who identifies as Republican or more moderate? Let's say she's socially moderate or liberal, but tends to lean right or in the middle when it comes to other issues. NOTE: The intention of this question is certainly not to start a political debate. I'm not a Democrat - I'm probably more independent and do have some Republican views - and I genuinely do wonder if this makes me "less dateable" to gay or bi women. I'm open to honest yes or no responses on this.
3 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

Sex issues, cut for possible triggers [14 Jul 2015|06:31pm]

dragonflymn
A little background first...

I am almost 40, three teens, was married for 17 years until he decided he liked a younger (...yet not nearly as cute and not nearly as stable) model better, have known I was attracted to women since I was 14 (and can remember having intense crushes on girls/women as young as 5 or 6) but had very conservative religious upbringing and when I confessed to my dad he talked me around until I thought 'attractive' was 'that's what guys like so I should be like that'.

We won't go through the discovering butches trauma. Suffice it to say, he would not be able to convince me of that now. :-P

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman I have known for 2ish...a little bit more than two I guess, years. We've been dating for just over 18 months. She moved in with us about 9 months ago. We work very, very well as a couple, my kids love her, she spoils me, and takes care of me in ways no one has ever bothered with before. This is not my first relationship with a woman (Ex and I were poly), I dated my first girlfriend for 6 years, my second for, well, 3 months, and my third for 2 years.

The issue is sex. She's not interested. We have sex, she does not identify as stone, it is just incredibly rare. Like, right now we're going on close to two months. With the Ex, even at the end when we were hardly in the same room ever, it was close to twice a week.
Read more...Collapse )
So... she will tell me she wants sex, she will tease me, text me stuff she knows will drive me crazy while I'm at work, tell me we need to go to bed early, tell me she has plans for later.... then when it comes down to it, she suddenly has homework, or it's too hot, or it's late and I need to go to bed, or (most recently) the kids are home (WTF? Since when has that made a difference?) so she can't do what she was planning on. I have tried to initiate when she has shown interest through the day, it works a small percentage of the time. Mostly I don't want to push boundaries, but I don't really know where those lines are, so I've backed very quickly away from anything that wasn't solidly her idea.

Her history has made me very reluctant to bring up the 'Babe. I need more than this.' issue. However, I really can't handle the 'tease and then nothing' routine we have going on. Masturbation takes care of some of the issue in the short term, but it is in NO way a substitute for sex with another person. (And before someone brings up the idea of masturbating with her there to try and ease her into getting involved, she is completely, utterly puzzled by why/how anyone can get off that way. Is completely put-off by the idea. Has no idea how often I resort to it, and when the subject has come up has been utterly baffled that I feel the need.) I want HER. When we have it, the sex is AMAZING. Like sore for days amazing.

I am very careful not to push her, in the end I would rather be in a sexless relationship than to be without her. I'm starting to feel like I am drastically over sexed, that I am actually the one with the issue here, I shouldn't want it at my age... But I also know that I have needs, that aren't being met, and I can have needs, that's ok.

How do I talk to her about this? DO I talk to her about this? I'm clueless. I want to be sensitive to what she is actually capable of dealing with, but I don't want to end up feeling like my only option is to end the relationship. I can't imagine my life without her.
4 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

[29 May 2015|11:38pm]

feeeny
I've never dated a man. Ever. I've slept with men, but in all my 27.5 years, all of my relationships have been with women.

I recently moved to a new state and started an online profile that specifically said i was looking for friends. I left my status as bisexual, so that I would be open to both male and female messages.

I met a guy. He's awesome. I like him. I've been on several "dates" with him, and he's been... kind of slow on the uptake if you get what I mean.

I sent him a message last week telling him that I like him more than a friend, and that it didn't matter how he felt, I still wanted his friendship. I told him that if he wasn't interested to respond via emoji to lighten the mood a bit, and he responded with a snail.

Yikes. My first male rejection. Ever.

Yet, he keeps texting me and asking me to hang out and go do things. Is he sincerely interested in friendship or did his snail represent that he wants to take it slow? He knows about my orientation and how my previous relationships were with women. Did that scare him?

I'm so confused.. advice? Please and thanks <3
5 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

[07 Oct 2014|02:42am]

feeeny
About a week ago, I started casually texting with a girl I met online. When I originally asked her what she was looking for, she said "up for whatever, and if it turns into something more, that's cool too."

We ended up going out on Saturday night, had an awesome time, and I spent the night. Nothing happened until Sunday, late morning. We were both laughing about the night before and cuddling, etc. I went for the kiss and she was into it, so much so that she initiated sex. I am kind of ashamed to say I slept with her after only one "date" but, it was hot and I haven't had chemistry like this with someone in a long time. She gave me butterflies.

I left her apartment, and she texted me shortly after. She didn't really say anything about what had happened, just light-hearted banter. She made a comment about loving to cook and wanting to make me dinner one night, go to a haunted house, etc. Basically a good indicator that she wants to see me again.

After some time, I sent her a message telling her that thinking about our morning gave me butterflies... she responded with "i had a great time." A little vague, but ok. I change the subject and we continue with light-hearted conversation, but she seems.. different. She stopped responding quite abruptly after a while, so I let it be, assuming she would get back to me in the morning as she normally would. Well, today went by and I didn't hear from her, so I sent a text around 5ish. She said "super busy, working a double. how are you?" After that, the replies were a bit short and pretty spaced out, even after she was done working. I know that I don't know her, but I can definitely tell when someone has taken a step back. I texted her "goodnight, text me tomorrow :)" and she said "will do... sleep tight."

What should I do? Should I back off and wait to hear from her? Maybe put the ball in her court? Did my comment about butterflies spook her? She's bisexual and I don't think she's ever dated a girl, she's not out to her friends/family, and I probably freaked her out. I have a huge crush on her but I don't want to fuck it up. Part of me feels like I should back off and play it cool for a while, but the other part of me is like wait, no, I like you, and I want you to know that. Maybe I'm jumping the gun; I wasn't expecting to have such a strong infatuation so quickly.

Any advice would be appreciated!!!
6 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

Frustrated [24 Aug 2014|07:11pm]

lostandfound99
Hello,

I'm a 30 year old woman that has been single for a couple years (while only really have one 2-year relationship in my twenties). Despite many friends, I'm lonely and would really like someone to share my life with. I actively try to meet women on dating sites, but they rarely respond and I've recently just been stood up (or had plans cancelled/ignored) for my last three potential dates. Prior to that, I had met someone that I thought might be my match, but after a few dates she stopped returning my calls. I was much more interested than she was, and perhaps scared her away.

I do have abandonment issues that I am working on through counselling. I really want companionship (or fun dates, or even a random hook up at this point), but the rejection is so painful it's destroying my self worth. The loneliness is physically painful, and in the search for love I'm just becoming depressed and anxious. I thought of leaving dating sites, but I'm not "read" as queer and I rarely meet other queer women outside of the internet. I don't know how to keep putting myself out there if I keep getting burned (or ignored). 
3 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

[05 Aug 2014|01:22pm]
haaalp
I broke up with my ex girlfriend a year ago. We were together for 2.5 years. She was devastated and heartbroken by the breakup and immediately started "seeing" other people.

The reason for the breakup was simply that I wasn't happy. I loved her still, but our relationship was stagnant and we were getting lazy and the effort just wasn't happening on either end. Talking didn't help.

In the year since the breakup, we've both hooked up with other people, even tried dating other people, but the fact remains that we still both love one another very much, and we want to try again.

When I asked her to be mine again the other day, she said yes right away. Then, she told me she felt pressured to put a label on it. She says she's scared of committing to me again only to lose me all over someday. I told her I can't predict the future, but this is what I want. We're both better people now, more mature and evolved. I want to be with her.

So, I asked her if she wanted time to think about it and she said yes. Ok. I then ask her if she wants space/for me to back off until she can figure out what she wants. She says no. This confuses me, and I ask her how she wants me to act. She says "just act like normal. Like we're together. I just need more time to think about committing to a relationship."

What the fuck does this mean? How am I supposed to "act" like we're together while she's not technically mine? Since we're not together, I have no right to know if she's seeing/talking to other people, etc. and I feel uncomfortable about it. She keeps assuring me that there is no one else, she loves and wants me, calls me baby, fucks me, sleeps in my bed, etc. but I can't understand why she wont commit if she's willing to do all these other things all the time.

I don't want to give her an ultimatum and risk losing her, but I'm at a loss of how to handle this situation properly without it getting messy. Any advice?
3 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

faqs: how to move on [25 Jun 2014|01:47am]

lemonjelly_
Hello hello. Many years ago this community helped me get a grip on a destructive first queer relationship, you know the one.

The heard-it-all-before mundanity reactions were actually very reassuring. So here's another standard situation:

I have just been dumped from a relationship I was not at all ready to end. We'd had some really solid merging of friends, shaped each others' outlook on things, the whole fucking thing. But after a while she became unsure she could be in a relationship at all, lost faith in our relationship at least, and ended it.

It's over, I know, I can live with that. Maybe I will also accept it's for the best. But I love her and she still feels like a part of my life, even if I were to never see her again.

My question is.
How do I move on?
And especially.
How do I move on without having these feelings and memories negatively affect future relationships/other partners?
I mean, apart from the obvious Don't Be A Dick mantra, what a the major terrible things to avoid when being that Just Out Of A Serious Relationship person dating again.
2 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

To open relate... [26 May 2014|02:55pm]

moonstealstar
I don't want to go into a lengthy explanation at the moment, but would like some feedback on open relationships. I have never had one, like the idea of it but have had the issue of every previous girlfriend being too much of a cowardly liar to openly talk about sex with another person that it has always resulted in excess lying and cheating which leaves me feeling...unappreciated and untrusted. Currently I have been seeing a woman who is 10 years older than me, has been out for 3 years, treats me like gold, talks perhaps more than necessary about how our relationship works, and I am the first girl she's really spent this much time with since coming out. We agreed that kissing is ok as long as the other is respectable and there's communication about the incident and whether there was any feeling behind it or if it was just a impulse brought about by a pretty girl. Sex has been the main questioning factor; personally I feel much more comfortable if my girl and I pick out a lady together and have a threesome...but lately the idea of more of an open relationship has come to mind. Not because I don't really like this girl, she is so wonderful, kind and has bigger balls than most anyone I know...the respect I have for her is immense. Though since the beginning she has vocalized that she doesn't want any expectation of a real monogamist relationship, that she's new to this lesbian world and wants to experiment...which I understand and don't have much a problem with. We leave for a 2 month backpacking trip in July and plan to spend a week apart when we get back as to give each other a little space and alone time...after that there's a lot of ideas about moving and traveling and it just seems that our lives may take us in completely different directions and it may be the end of whatever we do have. So what I'm asking or searching for advise about is...has anyone been in an open relationship after long stints of cheating with former girlfriends? Did it work for you when you met someone who can communicate, trust and be respectful of it? Or did it seem to just escalate to a point of no longer having interest in that person after allowing pleasure with others? And if it did work out, what kind of ground rules were there if any? One night stands okay but anything with emotional ties is off limits? Just trying to get some experiences as it's been something we've been talking about lately. Thanks, sorry for getting lengthy. :p
2 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

Start of a relationship advice [21 May 2014|12:25am]

ellenlefey
Hello girls!
I am 27 and have been in 5 relationships so far. 4 of them were long-distance as one of us always moved across countries, and never lasted longer than half a year. 4 of my exes dumped me because they did not feel as strongly about me as I did about them. I was actually dumped today because she is still in love with her ex.

There is a clear pattern of my girlfriends dumping me in the first month or so of our relationship.
I don't go all "I love you!" on a first date, if that is what you are thinking. I do let them know I like them and do things people in love do, but I am not crazy. I also do not think there is anything wrong with me. I have a lot of friends and most of my exes really liked me, just did not love me back.
Every time I get dumped, it hurts and I shut down and it takes around a year for me to even consider dating someone else.

So I guess my question is - when you start seeing someone and fall in love, what is the appropriate behaviour in the first month or two? How do you "win her heart"? I know everyone is different, but there must be some golden rules.
Also, is it normal to take a year to start trusting someone again? Even if that relationship was much shorter than that? How do I get back in the game sooner than a year after getting my heart broken?
I am worried I might develop trust issues if they keep on dumping me.

Thanks for reading:)
2 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

[12 May 2014|12:36pm]

_kino
Long time, no see. I'm so happy to see this little Livejournal community alive and kicking it regardless of Facebook.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost five years now. I think things are well with our relationship. I think; but I am not completely sure. I know our love is reciprocal--I love her, she loves me--but I feel something is slowly unfastening between us. We are not all that romantic with one another as we used to. It’s been a while since we have been intimate. She doesn’t even want to kiss me unless I’m “clean” with a washed face and brushed teeth after work.

Last year she said the summer heat makes her too warm to do anything—no spooning, no cuddling at night, no nothing. Now summer is back again, and I'm familiar with her routine. I fall for these pathetic excuses and believe them because I’m so stupid. Stupid.

I miss being affectionate. I miss feeling loved. I love her so much, but why is this happening between us, this distance? Is this a case of Lesbian Bed Death? How can I become a better lover? How can I communicate I miss her affection without her backlashing and thinking I want to split up?
4 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

in dire need of an explanation [04 Mar 2014|10:15pm]

x5incerely_m3x
[ mood | confused ]

Back in December my ex straight up told me she never wanted to talk to me ever again. She didn't want me in her life and I was the last person she ever wanted to see again. So we parted ways and I vowed never to look back. Then recently she hit me up asking if I still had her shirt. I didn't and I chose to be cordial to her. We caught up a little bit and that was it. Then she texted me again the next night.

The thing about me is that I can get attach easily. Which is something I do try really hard to control but sometimes it's hard. I thought maybe we can be friends. So the next night I decided to take the initiative to hit her up. Then it got a bit weird. She brought up all my flaws and how she was sick of me being so judgmental during our relationship (which i clearly didn't know I was and I apologized NUMEROUS time...I assume she still hasn't forgiven me...). Then she kept questioning my sexuality and what I consider myself when she claimed she doesn't "label" herself.

I tried to brush everything off because I didn't know what to think of it. Plus, for some unknown force, I really wanted to be friends. So I tried to treat her like a friend. I was dating someone and I was having problem so I tried to seek her advice. She got really upset over the situation and it ended up on a weird note. I texted recently to wish her a good weekend and I never heard back from her.

I don't understand what is the deal?! Can someone please tell me what is going on?
I know I made a few mistakes by trying to be friends and talking to her again but I just don't get her behavior...

Thank you in advance!

18 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

[21 Oct 2013|02:39am]

chiropteras
So. I'm a recently married dyke in a poly* (my wife has complicated feels about the word "polyamorous" but we are definitely non-monogamous) relationship. When we began dating several years ago, one of the first conversations we ever had was about where we stood on the monogamy front-- at the time, we agreed that, while we were currently only interested in seeing each other, the thought of compulsory monogamy gave us both the creeps, and neither of us were interested in policing each others bodies or choices.

Since then we have sort of been monogamous by default, although we've both entertained the idea of going on dates from time to time and we freely talk about our crushes to each other.

A couple weeks ago, a cute girl who works next door to my work -- a friend of friends-- sidled up to me at the bar and asked me out on a date. I was surprised and flattered and took her up on it. We went to a show and had a good time, but I didn't get to know her very well-- we kissed, we talked about hanging out again, she hangs out at my work so I see her often. Turns out she also has a primary partner in another state whom she was moving to be with in a few months, so that conversation went over super casually. It felt like a pretty safe scenario to me, pretty ideal as far as my relationship to dating goes at this point in my life. My wife and I have been reading some lit on responsible non-monogamy together and she's had a few minor jealousy attacks or moments of fear but we're talking it out, I'm trying to be considerate of her desire for a lot of verbal and physical reassurance right now.. although sometimes it's admittedly a little exhausting and I wish she were more relaxed about it. Still, we're talking it out and mostly doing good on that front.

Now, where it gets more complicated:

Before Date Girl came into the picture, I was crushing hard on this male-bodied fellow, which almost NEVER happens-- we're talking like, a couple times in my entire life, I typically identify as a dyke for a reason-- aaanyways, he's also a friend of friends, also hangs out at my work, and after a few pretty blatantly flirty interactions we exchanged numbers and talked about hanging out, although we haven't yet.

That was all in the past couple weeks. Since then I've learned that the two of them know each other, they're good friends and she might be temporarily moving into the house he lives with a couple of our mutual friends?? I was hanging out with both of them on the patio at my work today and I felt like my head was going to explode. Is this what my whole life as a poly person is going to be like? Endless loops of people who know each other?

Basically, I'm asking you guys: What is a responsible way to navigate this? I would ideally love to casually date both of them, and I have no idea if that is realistic or not. Ideas? Approaches? Words of caution? It seems to me like if it goes well, it could go really really well, and if it goes wrong, life could get really, really complicated. Or maybe I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion, I don't know. For what it's worth, I haven't done that much casual dating in my life, and the only other poly relationship I was in was a triad wherein I was a secondary partner, so I don't know how to apply what I learned from that in this situation, it's apples and oranges.






Posted via m.livejournal.com.

6 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

housemate dramas [14 Oct 2013|07:29pm]

oflowpersuasion
Helleaux!
HALP. I need your stories, experiences and advice about confronting bad housemate behaviour. Specifically, a housemate whose partner is at your house ALL. THE. FRIKKIN. TIME. I know this is not a particularly uncommon dilemma, so I’m hoping the wise folk of SUID will be able to share experiences about being able to reach mutually satisfying arrangements? Or even bad experiences, things to avoid?

Here’s the sitch:

We're three queerbos in our twenties sharing an amazing place above a cafe. Rent is dirt cheap for a hugely coveted area. I've been here for three years, plus my art studio is here, which is also saving me a buttload of cash on studio rental. I'm also walking distance from my work. I've got a sweet deal here and I'm pretty unwilling to move.

The housemate in question has been with us for three months, and her partner has probably spent every day for the last month at our house. She's literally here all the time, even when my housemate is at work. I work two jobs and I'm lucky if I get a day off a fortnight, and I've been finding myself feeling increasingly resentful about coming home every day to a fourth housemate I didn't ask for, who is living rent free in my place. I'm spending more and more time in my room. I cannot remember the last time I came home to no one home except for the people who live here.

I’ve been doing the shared housing thing long enough to get relatively savvy about respectful communication, but I find this situation SO AWKWARD. It’s such an awkward thing to flag because I feel like it has the potential to create this inorganic situation where she is forced to feel self-conscious about making choices to invite people over, and I certainly don’t want to make her partner feel unwelcome or create tension between the three of us that I have to live with in my own space. In that way, I feel like it’s information I can’t expect her to hold if I’m not willing to offer some solutions. HOWEVER, I have no interest in asking the partner to contribute to the rent or the utilities because I think it legitimizes her position as (unwanted and unofficial) fourth housemate. I don’t want her to contribute, I want her here less.

Ideas?
6 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

[10 Oct 2013|02:36am]

childthursday
I don't even know. I'm really pissed and sad, but also this whole thing is just goddamn stupid and since I know that my girl and I are not going to break up, complaining about it seems dumb. It's also been such an ongoing issue - FIVE YEARS - that it seems doubly dumb to expect anything to change. And what has to change is me, anyway. But let me give this a shot.

Relationship stats: five years. Live together. Two cats. Joint bank accounts. Engaged. Did a year of couple's therapy, that was awesome.

Long term problem: My girlfriend doesn't listen, doesn't remember, is blindingly self-centered, and thinks "sorry" fixes everything and if I'm still upset it's my problem. Her favorite method of resolving conflict is to pretend it didn't happen. I overanalyze and have a memory like an elephant, tend to do whatever my girlfriend wants unless I have to do otherwise, and first lose my temper and then shut down.

Recent example: Tonight. Walking home 9 p.m. after a very long day. Talking about our days.

Me: And I still have to go home to finish that presentation for the weekend since I'm leaving so early Friday.
Her: Oh yeah. That sucks. I'm sorry. You can get it done.
~walking ten minutes more~
Her: Hey, let's go to the bar.
Me: I have to finish that presentation, remember?
Her: Oh yeah. I forgot.
Me: You FORGOT? I JUST SAID. You acknowledged it.
Her: I just wanted to get dinner!
Me: We TALKED ABOUT THIS. We have dinner at home. I need to go home.
Her: Fine, sorry.
Me: I'm sorry to be the bitch fun killer always. Jesus christ. Do you even listen?

This is the same goddamn argument we've had for five years. I'm not even kidding that this is what sent us to therapy four years ago. Like the exact incident: I said I had to get home to sleep because work, she said she'd put me in bed, and then ten minutes later wanted to go to the bar and claimed she forgot that I had said I had to get up early.

I know that my losing my temper doesn't help the situation. But after five goddamn years of this, surely she could try to, I don't know, listen? Because it's not that she forgot that is the problem...it's that this happens over and over and over again.

I don't know. I'm just upset.
18 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

[03 Sep 2013|02:09pm]
exxpelliarmus
Hey y'all. I have been with my girlfriend for two years, but this post isn't about her so much as it is about some issues my mother and I are having about her/me/how I should live my life.

My mom likes my girlfriend. Well, she has up until the past few days. GF and I just got back from a trip to Florida and talked briefly and superfluously about moving there when I'm done with college in 2 years. (I will be 26 soon; had a bit of a late start ;) )

Currently, in addition to being in school full time, I am running my mother's small business. She and my step father moved away six months ago and left me in charge of their house, their dog, and this business. It's a lot of responsibility that was sort of just dumped on me.

As an only child, I grew up being fearful of disappointing my mother and I ended up humoring her on a lot of things to avoid heated arguments. And, also, because I was a child.

I am not a child anymore, but my mother constantly talks about how when I'm finished with school, she wants me to move to be with her and live with her and all this crap. She's very much dependent on me emotionally and the proverbial umbilical cord is made of fucking steel in this case. It's been very hard to make a dent in it, let alone a clean cut.

Herein lies my most recent problem. GF makes a dumb post on facebook about "can't wait to move down south, hopefully sooner than later!" and tagged me in it. Mom sees this and immediately freaks out. Mom and I have not had this conversation yet. Mom proceeds to send GF a text saying "how dare you! What a stupid thing to put on facebook, Jess (me) will agree :( " or some shit. They then proceed to have a text argument amongst themselves about which I am totally unaware until I get home from work and GF tells me what happened.

I call mom and explain to her that the issue of moving was discussed while we were on vacation, but nothing has been planned and it's still at least two years away. Mom says GF should have been more clear about that and should remove it from Facebook immediately. GF does this. Mom is still pissed, calls GF immature, tells me she's too stupid for me, and that she's a disrespectful "box of rocks".

Here's the bottom line. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE UNDER MY MOTHERS THUMB ANYMORE. Yeah, I can see how the FB post was unnecessary and thoughtless, but seriously? I feel that my mom overreacted. She wants an apology from GF. I'm pickle in the middle. I don't want to work at this business anymore. Quite frankly, I've been unhappy working here for the past year or so. I want to get a regular job and get a regular apartment with my girlfriend like regular people do. We can afford it. The only thing holding us back is the responsibility of the house and the dog and the business.

I need help. My mom is not a rational person and she's the kind that thinks she's always right. She's lost all her immediate family members (her mom and siblings) because of her way of dealing with issues. Here in Buffalo, I'm all she's got. At her current homestead, she has her husband, a few friends, and my step-grandparents. She's much happier there (out west) as a result. I've been much happier since she's moved. I can finally leave the house and pull my car out of the driveway without 20 questions.

What are the first steps I should take? Even if my GF wasn't in the equation, I'm ready to be my own person. I don't want to live in my mom's guest house. Ever. (Unless she's old and I have to take care of her).

HAAALP!
18 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

Secret homophobe? [26 Aug 2013|05:58pm]
ladydyke1
Hi everyone. Long time reader, first time poster.

I'm wondering what do about a relative (well, actually, a close friend of my mom's) who is a total liberal, pro-gay rights, but this weekend said something that sounded homophobic.

He said something like: "It's important to pay attention to the assumptions we're making. It's possible to live with a false assumption for years and waste a lot of time. It's important not to pay attention to feelings alone. It's more important to look at the life you're meant to be living, not just do something because it feels good."

I replied, "Well, some people would say all we have are feelings, you know, the five senses." He didn't say anything in return.

Then later on, he brought it up in front of my sister and my girlfriend saying "ladydyke1 and I were talking about assumptions earlier." I replied "Actually, I'm not sure what you meant by that." Then he says, after a pause, "Why don't you think about it a little while and then ask me a specific question." I said, "I don't know what question I would ask since I don't know what you meant."

There was a tense silence but he hugged me warmly when we left.

Have any of you encountered someone who's socially liberal but secretly homophobic? I don't feel I can confront him since that would be accusing him and I'm not sure he is homophobic. So, what do I do?

Thanks, in advance.
10 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

[06 May 2013|09:28pm]
highhowareyou
My girlfriend smokes pot and I prefer to drink beer. Typically this hasn't been an issue until recently. She just got a new job that requires her to work nearly every weekend night. Since I'm used to hanging out with her primarily on the weekends, I've been seeing a LOT more of my friends and doing a LOT of partying. She doesn't have a real social circle and has been vocal about her envy that I have a lot of friends. Alcohol makes her physically sick after a few drinks, so for her, hanging out at the bar with me and my friends doesn't sound appealing to her, understandably. She wishes things were different, but she'd rather avoid alcohol all together than risk getting sick, which I am supportive of.

Before this job, I saw my friends on average once or twice a week. In the last two weekends she's been working, I've partied Thursday-Sunday both weekends. It's been BEAUTIFUL outside and it's just enjoyable for me, and she's not home :(

However, she's been getting aggravated with me because she comes home to a sloshed gf every night after working a long evening, and I can see how that'd be super annoying. So after a little argument and some talking, I've decided to allow myself one night a week out with my friends, and that I will drink only then and on special occasions. I'm doing this for my personal health as well as to compromise with her. I'm 25 years old and my body hates me every morning when I've gone out.

Here's what I need advice on... what the hell am I supposed to when she's working that doesn't involve drinking? I would like to take up some kind of hobby or something to occupy my time. I get antsy when I have nothing to do and it drives me crazy. I'm not one of those people who likes to have people over to watch movies or sit and talk. Don't get me wrong, these friends are real friends, they just like to party and we talk a lot when we go out.

Are there any sites out there for social groups? Any suggestions of your own?
20 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

[03 Mar 2013|06:18pm]

onelongthread
have you ever loved someone so much you'd give an arm for them?
but they left and you can never possibly get them back.
and youre trying to move on. but nothing seems to work.
and youre back to your usual antics. and you feel like youre fucking 14 again.
:(
26 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

at an impass [02 Mar 2013|05:11pm]

redemption_song
So I have been with my gf for almost two year but had been friends for many years before that. We got together one day and never looked back. She is wonderful, everything I always knew I wanted. But there has always been issues between us, usually because of me, I go through bouts of just being really unhappy, and we don't have sex, not nearly enough anyways and what we do have definitely not satisfying for me.
Now I know what you're already thinking, but she is the best thing that has ever happened to me, we love each other, but I think she has always loved me more then I love her. as i said we were friends for years and she one day while we were having dinner revealed her feelings for me, and we`ve been together ever since
we`re 30 y/o and talking about marriage, it's really something she wants and I am just going along with because it's what you do. You get married then have babies. But is that a good enough reason to marry someone, just because I want to have kids, and she will not have them until we are married?
So lately i have been going through one of my bouts of are we really supposed to be together, and i often have dreams of her cheating on me, last night it was with my brother. i am not worried about her cheating at all, but i know dreams like that usually mean that there is some issue, fear, worry about the relationship that is unresolved, and i know thats true because i have been pulling away from her this past week, which is easy because we are in a ldr.

Am I dragging my feet because I'm scared? Something keeps me at a distance from her, it always has, but (and this is not an overstatement) I know I will never find better. I'm getting up there, and there won't be many more opportunities for me to meet the right person, settle down and have babies, and I do want to have babies. That is non-negotiable. And although I would do it on my own, everyone would like to find the right person to raise a family with.
trust me when i say that since i was 8 and probably younger, all i have ever talked about was having babies that would one day change the world, marriage was never something i felt i wanted or needed, but it is non-negotiable for her, especially if i am carrying. i get that its a security thing for her too, to help her and our families accept our little family, which may be harder if we weren`t married.

So I am stuck, and confused and don't know what to do.
My gut tells me to just keep chugging along util I feel more ready, but my biological clock is telling me I do not have the luxury to do so. there is this clock hanging over our heads, i am the one who has to propose since i am the one who needs to be ready, she would have asked me ages ago, we have a date for the wedding. the clock that looms over us is due to my clock to have a baby, i want to be pregnant in less than 2 years. i already waited when i started dating her. i had already had my sperm and shit in place until she came along, and so now my plans have to be delayed for her, and the wedding that she wants that I could care less about. but is that a good enough reason to get married, because i could care less? it doesn`t seem like it.

Sorry this is sooo long but please help, and please no "dump her" and "move on" comments, I need something a little bit more constructive than that.
Thx
7 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

[21 Oct 2012|10:11pm]
skyrim_me
My girlfriend and I both have depression and have each been battling it for several years now. The difference is, mine is being treated and hers isn't. I have healthcare through my mom so I was able to see a counselor and a psychiatrist for a while and be put on meds which have definitely helped. She doesn't have healthcare and is reluctant to find treatment because she's scared, it's hard enough to sort through medical bureaucracy when you're NOT depressed, etc.

Obviously her depression influences her behavior, and increasingly she's taking out her frustrations on me. Nothing physical, and I know it's not deliberate abuse -- more like manipulation, where she'll get upset if I'm mad about something she did and, instead of trying to work out why I'm upset and apologizing (which most of the time is, honestly, all I'm looking for), she'll say she's sorry I have to live with her, maybe she should just kill herself, all that good business. I know better than to fall for it but I'll admit, it can be scary as fuck, and usually I just give in and end up apologizing to HER for being mad, even though I'm upset because of something SHE did in the first place (which rarely, if ever, gets addressed).

I guess part of my problem is that I'm expecting a person with depression and a warped view of reality to be able to intuit how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way, which isn't fair to her. But at the same time, even though I'm somewhat more self-aware, I'm STILL depressed, so I have trouble communicating what I need as well. Not to mention that my depression influences how I react to certain things, my mood, how/when/why I get upset, etc.

For now, she's going to be getting health insurance in about a month from her new job, and she says she's going to get treatment once she does. I know how scary that first step can be, but at the same time, I'm tired of the excuses and am about ready to give her an ultimatum if she doesn't seek help right away. I can't imagine ever being without her, and I don't want her to think I don't love and support her, but I'm also trying to do what's best for myself, and this is really REALLY hard to live with.

Basically, what I want to know is if anybody else has been in a similar situation and, if so, how they coped with it. How do I deal with her mental health issues whilst ALSO trying to deal with my own? It's a lot on my plate, and sometimes I feel like doing what's right for me (spending time alone, ignoring her when she's in a pissy mood, etc.) is actually hurting her and our relationship. It's like playing tug-of-war with myself and DANG it's getting exhausting.
6 set you straight Suck it up, dyke!

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