| mourning my dirty sex life |
[22 May 2012|09:11pm] |
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i'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my girlfriend of two years is just too passive sexually for me. she's had 3 times as many partners as me, but is so shy about sex! I was fucking her for weeks before I had to finally take my own clothes off and ask her to touch me. oh, and on top of that... she's never gone down on me. ever. she says she never has, that it's just never come up, but i find that so hard to believe (especially since she's 31- plus she previously told me she had so she was either lying then, or lying now). she says that she "wants" to, she's just scared. it's at the point where i don't even want her to try because i'm convinced it's going to be awful for both of us. the thing is, i'm femme. high femme. i expect to be taken. i like it on the rough side and have my kinks here and there. she won't indulge me in any of this. after months of talking, begging, bargaining and processing we got a strap on, but she seems to hate wearing it (although she tells me she likes it, but she never brings it up or seems to want to include it) so i've stopped requesting it. the problem is I LOVE HER. so much. she is so perfect for me in every other way. she's incredibly nice, fun, interesting and understanding... oh, and we got married a few months ago so i'm in it for life now. the sex we do have (low frequency as it is) is fun, but not what I feel like i *need*. she will never be dominant. she will never be a top. i will never get taken, tied to the bed, fucked hard, spanked, slapped, fisted... nothing except very vanilla fingering with no dirty talking or even moaning. i feel like my sexuality is totally being stifled, and i feel unbelievably unattractive and unwanted. i don't get why i can't just motivate her. when i do try to talk about it, she ends up more upset than i am and i end up comforting her. i feel so guilty for being so dirty, when i know this would be a major plus to many other girls... but i don't want other girls. i want her. i just don't know what to do. it feels like there are no answers. i have no idea how to shut down that part of myself or how to turn off this terrible longing i feel. i dont think either of us are cut out for an open relationship, especially with what a hard dive my self esteem has taken in the midst of all this. i guess i just needed to vent and see if anyone knows a magic spell to make your soft, vanilla, bottom-y girlfriend into a hard top. :(
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| Queer Mutiny |
[10 May 2012|05:19pm] |
So, I'm fed up with laws prohibiting marriage and civil unions for queers.
Who isn't?
I want to be socially and politically active- being that I am directly affected by that legal discrimination and my life choices are up for debate in the public square ("the personal is political"). I want to start a Queer Mutiny group in my city. In the spirit of already established QMs, I have in mind a support zone where queers of all stripes can brainstorm and have teach-ins about things like legal rights, subvertising, history of LGBTQI movements, gender binary, self defense & reclaiming space, identity & privilege, active consent, zines and literature, sexism, DIY health, etc... and also good old fashioned queer dance parties and drag shows and the like.
The thing is, I've never done anything like this before. I'm not much of a teacher myself, and I'm not super interested in taking on a leadership role- I'd rather it be a consensus-based egalitarian thing- but I know that to get it started I'd have to take some serious organizing initiative: planning the date for the first meeting(s), locating a space, getting the word out, etc. and all of this feels very intimidating to me. I don't want to take on too much and then be expected to uphold the thing on my own, or I will burn out quickly...
I was wondering if any of you have advice or experience with queer activism/grassroots organizing/event outreach/teach-ins/etc.? Or just general advice?
Also, I don't currently have a facebook account (corporate data mining pisses me off.) Do you think it's possible to be effective in spreading the word about something like this without social networking sites? Or is that the only way anyone keeps track of events these days? I'd like to believe in good old fashioned flyering, emails and phone calls, but I'm just not sure if that's good enough...
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[02 May 2012|04:42pm] |
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I just recently broke up with my girlfriend and I'm just having a really really hard time dealing. I'm just really torn up inside. I just kinda cry all the time. I can't really eat and I can't fall asleep as easy as I used to. Just any advice/tips you guys can give would be appreciated.
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[22 Apr 2012|06:53pm] |
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How often do you use a strap-on during sex? Just curious. My girlfriend and I bought one last week and while I enjoy it, I still prefer the au natural technique.
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[10 Apr 2012|04:16pm] |
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Somewhere I've heard of people buying additional/replacement o-rings for harnesses at places other than sex shops. Like, rings meant for something else, sold at hardware stores. For much less money. It's tempting--at my local sex shop you can only buy a package of several sizes of rubber o-rings for $10 or $12.
Have you done this? Did it work well? What kind did you get? (Metal? Rubber?) What section were the rings in/what were they meant for?
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[03 Jan 2012|10:03pm] |
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My girlfriend is the kind, generous and sweet. Truly someone that is beautiful inside and out. I want nothing more for this relationship to succeed, but I'm not sure what the difference is between forcing it and making it work. At the end of the day, I have more fun spending time with my friends and it's hard for me to make her a priority over them. Since I'm in my late 20s, I'm not sure if this is a result of me simply not growing up, or if our relationship doesn't have the spark that makes me consistently excited to see her (we've been dating approximately one year). She's my first long-term relationship so it's all new to me. How do you know when the 'lust' phase has ended or if your relationship has just fizzled?
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| public opinion- is my gf a freak |
[03 Jan 2012|09:56am] |
its been a long time since i have crushed on someone like my woman has crushed on me, so maybe i just forget what it feels like but here's the short story:
We have been friends for 9 years, clubbing, talking, we were confidants. only recently i found out that she had been in love with me almost since the beginning, and we lived in different cities, only coming together when i was in town. and when i say in love, i mean crazy stalker obsession, taking pics of me (not naked or inappropriate) without my knowledge, taking a video of me working out at the gym (from behind) and watching it in private, even so far as taking a pic of me and having it put on a pillow case when things got really bad. she was in a real bad relationship for years, and i was kind of her foot hold, a chance at something better. she always knew we would be together one day, and now we are.
i am in love with her, but i keep finding out more of the creepy stalkerish things she did before, when we were friends, and last night she confessed that she 'fiddles' with me while i'm sleeping. going so far as to actually climb on top of me and start gently grinding...
ok fiddle with my boobs, kiss my mouth, its creepy but its sweet, but then part of me is like, damn i know i am a deep sleeper but what else is she doing. i trust her when she says she has never violated me, or done anything that i wouldn't allow her to do while i was awake, but it just seems so weird. and i know she is not a bad person, she is actually the sweetest person you could ever meet, but as she says it, she has been in love with me for much longer then i her, she has been dreaming about the moment that we would finally be together for years, for her this is a dream come true, so sometimes she just can't help herself, and takes liberties with my unconscious body :S
how weird is this, should i be flattered or scared????
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| making out with a straight girl? |
[28 Dec 2011|02:36pm] |
So I met this girl recently that I'm really into. We're not in a relationship--she identifies as straight--but we've had multiple, private make-out sessions. That's really where it stops. I haven't tried to go further with her than just groping, because I respect her boundaries as a woman that identifies as straight. She hasn't tried to do anything with me beyond making out, and I'm not going to be an asshole and push it. The thing is, she turns me on immensely. Like, we will be making out for a while at her place and I will be pretty much squirming, and then the second I get home, I have to masturbate. It gets quite frustrating, but at the same time, I don't want to just stop doing this with her because its that good.
I don't think she gets the same sexual, physiological reaction as I do. She seems to enjoy making out with me because its fun, but she doesn't really seem to care otherwise. I haven't developed romantic feelings for her, so its not like I'm chasing a straight girl or anything. I'm just really, really sexually attracted to her. And I don't know if it's a good idea to continue with these make out sessions? I really enjoy them, but at the same time, I'm pretty frustrated that they aren't going anywhere. I don't know if I should talk to her about it? I feel like she might even be annoyed at that because she has already told me she's straight. Or should I try to take it to the next level next time and see how she responds? Or should I just stop dwelling on it because a straight girl is not going to want to have sex with me, and I should just continue with what's going on and just masturbate after? Or should I just stop making out with her?
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| Exchanging rings |
[13 Dec 2011|10:16pm] |
Sorry to be all super incognito and posting from a dummy journal, but I know my gf reads this comm sometimes so I need to be anonomous.
I've been with my gf for three years. She's been hinting around lately that she'd like me to "pop the question," and it's something I am positive I want to do. The only reason I haven't done it yet is because I keep getting hung up on the logistics. Do I buy her a ring? Am I supposed to buy TWO rings, one for myself and one for her? I want to do this right but I don't know how and I end up obsessing over the little details rather than just considering the big picture. Ideally I'd like to propose in the next three months or so. If you've been engaged or exchanged rings, how did you go about it? Is there any point in getting all hung up on "tradition" when we're defined as a "nontraditional" couple anyhow?
And yeah I know how GROSSLY HETERONORMATIVE this shit is and we don't even live in a place where we can legally be married anyway but nevermind that.... HELP!!
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| pr0n |
[11 Nov 2011|05:40pm] |
This isn't a relationship issue, but...
I finally bought a disc of Crash Pad (Volume 2), and I was kind of frustrated with the editing--scenes cut back and forth to this weird, "meta" view of a person watching the scene on a Mac and clicking around to edit it. It seemed like an odd stylistic choice and kind of detracted from the flow and the hotness.
Does anyone know if the later volumes of Crash Pad have this same thing going on? I'd buy more but I kind of hate this editing.
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[09 Nov 2011|11:39pm] |
Hello!
First time posting here, for reasons that will soon become apparent.
I'm friends with a girl I work with and have a crush on her. A big one. This probably isn't that unusual normally. In my case, I know J is gay. We're good friends, have been for awhile. I also know that J being gay is somewhat of a secret. Her friends know. Her family does not. Her general acquaintances and our coworkers do not. I have no idea why, and it's not a topic she is open to discussing.
Then there is me. My history has been all about guys. I've kissed girls, fooled around with girls but never been serious about girls. I've taken some time to really consider my feelings(I really dont want to be the experimenting straight girl that hurts other people through stupidity or cruelty)and I am serious about this girl.
My question is pretty simple: now what?!
Is it a good idea to pursue this with a friend?
How do I deal with someone I really like that's sort of in the closet?
How do I tell her?
The only other things I should probably note are that we're both 23 and this job is not either of our careers, just a casual job during university. Also I'm not freaking out over the orientation question, and figure I like J and that's all I have to be certain of right now.
Any advice or input appreciated. Thank you!
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| Cheating |
[26 Oct 2011|09:30am] |
Hello there.
My first post gets to be really fun.
I've been with my gf for around 2.5 years now. In Jan/Feb last year, I was over at my exes' house, we managed to consume several bottles of wine, we made out, she went down on me, I ran out feeling like the scum of the goddamn earth.
Obviously these situations are normally solved with a 'don't think about it again, you know you won't repeat it so don't tell because it will ruin EVERYTHING'.
It's just the past two days it's been plaguing me, and I know telling her will ruin what we have, particularly as she's in the middle of a big assessment for uni (she's doing her PhD) and if I tell her now it will interrupt that, which is even more selfish.
I've ben having bad anxiety over the past month, and I think that has brought this up to the surface for me. Sweet.
What the fuck do I do?
ETA: I ended up telling her, and it's going well so far, so thanks for the advice guys!
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| Online dating: what's a good way to say "I'd like to be friends (only)" after a casual first date? |
[08 Oct 2011|09:34pm] |
Any pointers on the best way to tell someone, after a very casual/ambiguous first "date", that you're only interested in being friends?
Specifically, let's say there has been no overwhelming sign that the other person is into me and their OKCupid profile indicated (in checkboxes and in text) that they're looking for friends as well as dates. So it's not rejection, per se, as much as clarification. I'm feeling like I want to clarify these things pretty quickly after meeting (if I know for sure) because I've left things murky with some people, and then I felt awkward about being in touch again (either when they initiate or when I do) since I'm not sure what they're thinking.
Is there anything glaringly wrong with "it's been nice meeting you. I'm feeling more of a friend connection than a romantic connection, but let me know if you'd like to hang out again."
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| Predicament |
[20 Sep 2011|09:37pm] |
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( The Situation (TL;DR) )
The questions:
1) What are the essential traits in a partner for you? How flexible are they?
2) If you are living with a partner, under what circumstances would you move out? Would you ever move out without breaking up? What would the relationship have to be like for you to move out?
3) Is communication something that you can improve drastically, or if you're fundamentally incompatible communicators, is it a better idea to just move on?
4) If there are things you're looking for in a relationship, but your friends could hypothetically fulfill those needs, do you leave the relationship if it's not fulfilling them? Can the friendships fulfill them enough to make up for a partner not doing so?
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| open relationships |
[15 Sep 2011|02:19pm] |
hello, all.
i've been a member of this community for a few years now but have never posted. i feel pretty nervous about posting now. but here goes.
so there's this girl (hah). i've known her for as long as i can remember. we sort of dated in high school, though mostly it was a lot of angst and letter-writing and talking late into the night. after our freshman year of college, we tried dating again and were together for a year and a half. by the end, i was feeling pretty miserable about things; neither of us were ready to be out to our families, so all the lying and all the miscommuncating between us was putting a real strain on our relationship. not to mention the fact that she'd developed an interest in this friend of hers that i thought was a total douche, but that i'd told her to be honest with me about. i knew she had a thing for him and if she wanted to explore that a little, so be it, but TELL me. she didn't, and turns out she'd been cheating on me with him for a few months. i found out about the cheating after i ended the relationship, actually, and i'd never been so angry in my entire life. so this led to us not speaking for a year... we'd occasionally try to be friends again, but it would never work out. then last year (so, over 3 years since the breakup) we met up and finally talked about everything. i got to purge myself of all the anger i still had about her infidelity. she said she'd been feeling horrible about it and herself for the last 3 years. she eventually told me she was still in love with me. i was in a relationship at that time so i turned her down.
that relationship has since ended and i got in touch with her again last month. so now we're sort of dating again. the problem? she's pretty well decided that she's polyamorous. we haven't talked about that a ton because she gets a bit defensive and i'm completely terrified. god, i've been in love with this girl for ten years now. 10. and i've been trying to pull in the reigns around my feelings because loving her and losing her again would probably result in my mental collapse. but, i tell you, kissing her, holding her again, and being out and affectionate in public... doing the things we'd been too afraid to do before..... it's magical, it's electric, it's the best thing ever and i can't imagine it being better with anyone else. we have a deep love for each other that has amazingly survived all the bullshit.
but is it too good to be true? i wonder how long i can keep this up when i know what's coming down the pipe. things are perfect for her because this is what she wants. but every time she mentions someone she's dating, i get a sick, despairing feeling in my gut that spreads through the rest of me. i've been thinking a hell of a lot about polyamory and doing a lot of research into the different types of open relationships, but in the end, in order to feel safe and settled and happy, i think i need it to be just the two of us...
has anyone had an experience where they were initially opposed to an open relationship but then embraced it? i know we live in a society that pretty much mandates monogamy... should i try to change my world view? or is this all an exercise in futility? i would love to hear any thoughts/experiences. thanks very much.
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| How to make people believe I'm gay? |
[03 Aug 2011|02:32am] |
I go to the gay neighbourhood in my city all the time and hang out with my gay (mostly male) friends there. We go to bars and clubs, but the thing is is that nobody believes that I'm also gay...it really, really pisses me off.
I'm really feminine, but so what? I'll have straight guys hitting on me there and I will tell them that I only like women, but they don't seem to believe me. They'll continue hitting on me, or make suggestions that make me believe they think I'm bi (which I clearly indicated I was not). Even when its not straight guys, its other people that don't believe that I'm into women. And just the other weekend, I went out to the gay neighbourhood with my friend (he is extremely, flamboyantly homosexual) and we were pretty drunk and made out... it was just for fun, because we always do that when we're drunk. It doesn't mean anything, obviously. But then this straight guy who was hitting on me earlier saw it happen, and he yelled out "LIAR!" (and this was directed towards me, not my friend. Why isn't he a "liar" too, if he's making out with a girl?)
It just really bothers me because I feel like I cannot "legitimately" be gay. People just don't take it seriously. Most people think I'm just a faghag.
What can I do, besides changing my style and become all butch or something? (I'm not saying that all lesbians are butch, I'm just saying that people seem to think that they are and don't believe that a girl is a lesbian if she is feminine). What can I do to make people believe me?
And its not just about straight guys harassing me, even though this is a big problem. I also want people in general, especially other queer women, to not automatically assume I'm straight. Like the other day I was playing a drinking game with a few friends. It was a game where you had to tell truth to statements or questions people asked, and they asked the most ANNOYING question EVER, just assuming I'm straight ("have you ever done this-and-that with the opposite sex?"). This is a bit different because its just people making heteronormative assumptions, not not believing me, but still...ARGH!!!
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[23 Jul 2011|08:37am] |
When/if you have casual sex or hook up with people or do a friends-with-benefits thing, do you cuddle/make out/generally do physical affection things, or is it just getting down to business?
I like the physical affection and wouldn't want sex without it. I'm trying to figure out if that's something I'll be able to find or if people just hooking up generally won't want to be affectionate.
I mean, obviously I can do whatever I want and look for other people who want the same, but what's the norm in hookup situations? What draws the line between hooking up/FWB and dating or being headed in the dating direction with someone?
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| Oral Sex... dun dun dun. |
[22 Jul 2011|11:16pm] |
I'll try to keep it short. I've been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. Our sex is fun, if farily vanilla. She goes down on me every now and then and I totally love it, even if I can't get off from it.
Point: I would really love to go down on her, because she said she would enjoy it, but there's kind of a problem. Namely, her stanky vag. I know vaginas aren't exactly supposed to smell like roses, but she's got this weird, heavy, musty scent that I just don't handle very well. She has no STDs or other medical problems that we know of. I tried to breathe through my mouth, or to just plain hold my breath, period, but I about gagged halfway up her thigh. Which obviously didn't make her feel too attractive.
We've talked about it, and she's okay with me not giving her oral, but I really wish I could. Has anyone else had a similar problem?
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